A Proud History of Learning

The current Kirke University campus may only have been around since 1967, but there is strong evidence to suggest that there has been an educational establishment of some sort on the site since before the most recent Ice Age – by which we mean the period of global glaciation which peaked around 18,000 BC, rather than Ice Age 3 : Dawn of the Dinosaurs, which was released in 2009 AD*.

*For the non-Christians amongst you – BC should read BCE and AD should read CE. And that’s just one example of how, here at Kirke, we’re more than happy to cater for all belief systems and petty directives on political correctness.

Why come to Kirke?

A multitude of reasons. Loads. Excellent access by motorway and rail. Not too poncy like some universities, but not one of those glorified sixth-form colleges either. Anyone who suggests that we were once a poly can just fuck right off. Also there’s a large picturesque pond.

Undergraduates

20 year-old Maria from Buenos Aires is in her second year at Kirke, and is thoroughly enjoying her Bathroom Studies course.

A warm welcome from the Vice Chancellor

It can be an exciting time making the step up to university, but it’s very different from school – you can grow a beard (male students only – except for some of our Latin American contingent) and internet access to porn isn’t blocked. Students about to join us always have a long list of queries; the most frequently asked question being – “Do I have to bring my own toothpaste?” The answer depends on your course - if you’re studying Arts and Humanities subjects then yes, I’m afraid you do.

Academic Excellence

Our record speaks for itself. Although looking up records can be a bit of a hassle – so probably best just to take my word for it. It’s all excellent. If you really have to check the record then fine, go right ahead, although it should be said that there was a bit of a cock up in uploading some of the data, so it’s dangerous to place too much emphasis on the accuracy of the figures, which are difficult to interpret at the best of times, especially in isolation, besides which it’s something of a truism that there are statistics, damned statistics – and lies.

Accommodation

We hope you’ll feel right at home here at Kirke. It’s quite a task finding a place for over 11,000 young people to live. “I sometimes feel like the old woman who lived in a shoe,” says accommodations officer Nicole Huggins, “sort of forgetful and incontinent. But we can cater for most tastes - on or off campus, whether you want a house-share, a flat, halls of residence or a woodland yurt – we’ll always do our best to accommodate. Apart from igloos, which are banned during the second half of the Lent term and the whole of the Summer term”.

Nicole Huggins - incontinent
Typical 1st year undergraduate bedroom on campus

The Joy of A Best-Selling Book

Sultry senior maths lecturer Imogen Moffat (32) has put Kirke University on the literary map recently with the extraordinary success of The Joy of Zero. Popular maths has never been more popular! What’s it like to be suddenly the star attraction? “It’s been, ooh, I don’t know, sort of la-la-la…” quipped ‘Imo’. When we dug deeper and sounded her out about a possible sequel she was a little more enigmatic, saying only “Go away, this is the Ladies”.

The Joy of Zero is available from Amazon, but far better to get yourself along to the University bookshop, where you can get a far better deal (except for the price).

Award-winning architecture

Not a proper award, like a Nobel Prize or anything like that, but Kirke definitely won something back in the Sixties when they liked this sort of concretey look. And there are no red bricks used anywhere on campus, so can we knock that on the head please? Some of our walls now have ivy.

Top for Friendly Staff

We are renowned throughout Europe for having teaching staff who smile a lot and don’t ever bully students.

Young Learners From Around The World

The young mind is an enquiring mind, whether that mind is from Sheffield or Shanghai. We encourage young people to think for themselves. Bear in mind that learning is a two way street, and to paraphrase one of the dead Kennedys: “My fellow Kirkians, ask not what your university can do for you, ask what you can do for your university”. In particular, ask your parents if they’d like to donate very large sums of money to the university development fund.

Tuition Fees

Per annum: 9,000 (nectar points)

Latest News

On Sale Now!

From Kirke University Bookshop £14.99 (Increased from £9.99)

Lots of interesting stuff about one of the world’s favourite numbers, penned by Kirke’s very own mousy-haired maths enthusiast. Even if you thought you had ZERO interest in numbers, this is apparently unputdownable! Although I haven’t read it myself, as I prefer books about real life serial killers.

Also available: back issues of Kirke prospectuses* over the years - for the serious collector, these beautifully crafted items start at £35 and a rare 1997 edition in good condition could set you back as much as £4,500. Money well spent though, as these publications mature like a fine wine – and there’s obviously much more to read than on a wine label.

* Professor Lister will I’m sure remind us that the plural is not prospecti but rather (as this is a 4th declension noun) simply: prospectus. He’s actually not quite as tedious as this makes him sound, by the way, and has had a number of affairs with surprisingly attractive women. Best to keep that under your hat, though.

Obituary

Vice Chancellor Jonty de Wolfe was stunned by news of the death.

Former Kirke Vice Chancellor Professor Sir James Wigg-Ellis has passed away at the age of 112, following a short knife attack. Sir James was responsible for many of the innovative strategies pioneered at Kirke in the 1970s. Current Vice Chancellor Jonty de Wolfe was saddened to hear of the recent untimely death and commented “This has come like a bolt from the blue. It’s true we had our differences, but it is a very very sad day for all connected with Kirke University. I would just like to put on record that Mrs de Wolfe and I were at the theatre between 7.30 and 11pm on the night of the 15th”.

Sports

Netball results

Tour match

Kirke 0 - 28 New Zealand

Match abandoned after 4 mins (fight)